noun A fundamental change in approach (or underlying assumptions.)
I need a change in approach.
Most of my married life was spent with someone who controlled what I did, where I went, who I saw and even to some extent dictated what I should enjoy. In hindsight colored black-and-white that sounds obnoxiously, absurdly, embarrassingly dumb, but even smart kids do senseless things in the name of love.
I’ve made huge strides over the past year and started doing things for me. It’s a difficult mindset though, because I naturally tend to be a care giver, often to the extent of martyrdom of self. Taking care of my own needs and desires feels uncomfortably self-serving.
In a recent conversation, I mentioned to a girlfriend how I feel egocentric when circling the wagons, concentrating on myself, particularly since The Douche’s narcissism was so horribly destructive to our relationship. She told me that the difference is that I am innately capable of being responsible for my own happiness, fulfilling my needs, and gratifying my desires without hurting others in the process. What a profound thought. (And an awesome affirmation!)
So I decided I needed to do more things that make me happy – no excuses. While I have made measurable advances in this department, particularly in the past six months, I still find myself setting limits. There’s a pool of things that I enjoy that are certainly fun to do with friends, or a date. However, I’ve brainwashed myself into believing that a person just simply cannot enjoy these things on their own.
I’ve realized I shouldn’t deny myself things I want to do simply because it doesn’t fit in my friends’ schedules or interests. Society has randomly decided what activities are socially acceptable to do alone and what things should be done with a date or en masse. Who makes up these abstract rules? Once again it’s time to buck convention!
So this morning I bought season tickets to the simulcasts of The Metropolitan Opera at a local theater. That would be tickets for one and I’m not going to be embarrassed about going solo. Caveat: I might be, actually, but I’m still going, dammit!
So if you’re looking for me, I just might be at the opera…